When i was young, i was the atypical shy kid. Throughout my childhood i would not spontaneously partake in activities. I resented group work in class, often having to be coaxed by my teachers.
That was the past. Now i’m a drug dealer who’s addicted to my own drug. The drug – is Self Confidence.
Strange in nature and bold in expression, self confidence is akin to testosterone. It increases your energy and drive. It speeds up the rate of growth. It makes one aggressively pursue progress in every field. It seems to occur in naturally fixed amounts, the amount in each person governed by some pre-determined genetic process.
Yet, just like any other drug, anyone can take a dose of self confidence. Unlike other drugs, there are no negative side effects, and it usually remains in the system for a very long time.
It seems that those who abuse this drug have it much easier in life. The real question is: Why do some people have naturally high level of self confidence? And if that is not the case, why is it that some people never develop it?
What it is and why we need it
Firstly, it will do good to examine what is self confidence.
It can be defined as a certain sureness in oneself. A certainty that one’s actions will lead to a desired outcome. It is not to be confused with arrogance or smugness. For one, arrogance is usually uninformed. Self confidence however, is an assessment of the situation in its most optimistic terms.
An example of arrogance would probably be when one faces an upcoming piano competition and says, “The competitors stand no chance in the face of my talent!” The self confident guy would probably say, “If I practice and assess my weakness in this piece of music conscientiously, I will be able to win over the competition.”
Either way, the outcome may be the same, that you end up winning the competition. Yet the arrogant person may have overlooked certain areas or wildcards that may serve to be his downfall. The self confident person does not.
Now what about the opposite. If one lacks self confidence, then obviously the attitude would be different. The person may instead say, “I know some of the competitors are better than me. I guess I will just do my best.”
Many people fall into this category, especially thinking that their best is essentially the best they can do. These people often fail to see that their present best is not their future best, be it even 5 seconds into the future. The self confident person however, recognises that improvement is a natural part of life, and always strives towards this.
The result, is that their actions differ. Self confidence will likely cause one to take the right actions to ensure success.
In the example, the self confident person may practice for 3 hours a day, each time assessing his/her faults and improving the playing bit by bit. Then he/she may listen to other musicians’ interpretation of the work and think about how it could be adapted or improved upon.
The arrogant person may have practiced once per day and just told oneself that he/she would win.
The unsure person may practice 3 hours a day and thought it sufficient.
Clearly, the first person would achieve his/her peak condition on the day of the competition, however good that may be.
Now we need to know how to obtain this drug.
Confidence as a function of Environment
Some people would argue that humans are born with a particular character. Some people just seem to be confident, outgoing and spontaneous in the face of challenge. It stems from motivation (which is a whole different topic), a sort of satisfaction to be gained in behaving a certain way. Perhaps such people find it great to be up centre stage, showcasing their talents to the world.
To such people, self confidence is a given. It doesn’t matter how well they perform, rather, the belief that such a performance is one that is worthy of self satisfaction. Hence there is nothing to fear and the outlook is positive, regardless of the environment.
However, for the many, the environment plays a critical role in the level of self confidence.
Imagine arm-wrestling a huge guy with bulging forearms and biceps. You look at your puny biceps and shudder at the outcome. Or maybe you see that beautiful girl across the street and think of the awkwardness of your smile and posture, rejecting the opportunity to make contact.
It is obvious the the perceived magnitude of the upcoming challenge may be a large factor in determining your outlook of the challenge.
Why then are there those are can’t seem to back away from a challenge? Are they just stupid? Or bold? Or fearless?
I think anyone who acts like this would tell you that there are times when they definitely feel scared, nervous, anxious, overly excited, etc. But there is always something bigger fueling their actions. These are what i think are the two main reasons:
1. Social pressure
Suppose your friends have dared you to go and speak to that girl. Some people would have backed down completely. While some others would have quickly mustered the courage to act, not wanting to look stupid in front of one’s peers.
Suppose during the aforementioned piano competition, your parents are watching. Either you break down from nervousness or decide that you are going to show them how great you are.
It would have become a default either/or response to the situation which is largely unconscious.
2. Previous experience
Very often, we predict the future based on what has happened in the past. Physical patterns like the time of rain can be inferred from the way the clouds seem to appear. This also holds true for the state of self confidence.
Very likely, someone who has scored a A+ in a maths exam would think the next math exam is going to be manageable. Even when the paper comes and they see questions they do not know, the likely response is to try to figure the question out instead of panic.
In the case of the piano competition, one who has the experience of facing a tough opponent will naturally not be fazed by the opponent’s performing. Thus they would proceed to perform as they would have without this negative emotional baggage.
The difference is in conditioning.
What to do
It seems obvious then, that self confidence is entirely determined by mindset. The one thing which most people fail to realise is that mindset and attitudes can change, but they tend not to change quickly. There may be certain times when one will experience an epiphany and change their mindset immediately, but the years of experiential conditioning will make such occurrences less common.
Still, the humble aphorism ‘practice makes perfect’ could not hold more true. Realise that all the responses to the situations mentioned above are largely subconscious. Thus just like the biological fight or flight response wired into our brains, our response to such situations always revert back to our most basic of principles.
Hence, to improve the level of self confidence one has, it is vital to work on changing these basic principles. This takes time and practice.
My experience, especially with public speaking and doing live music performances, was that I hated making mistakes or looking stupid in front of people. But then every time I had to make a class presentation, I would prepare my fullest and remind myself that if I said what I prepared, I couldn’t go wrong. Over time, that mindset slowly changed. I saw myself make progress in speaking. I basically knew what to expect in various situations, what to say when someone raised a question, and how the audience would react to certain things I said. Eventually, i got hooked onto speaking. My past experiences now resonated with a positive outcome, and the social response of the audience now pleased me. How could i not feel confident!
Confidence and Competence
Note that while I always felt confident, it was initially because I would prepare very well for the speech. Even now I will prepare well before I say anything. Of course there are times when people raise questions which I do not expect, even some which i cannot answer. But I now know how to pre-empt and deflect such questions. Again it was a matter of conditioning.
So in a sense, it was my confidence in speaking that gave rise to my competence in speaking. As for my studies, my competence gave rise to my confidence. Realising that this worked both ways gave a tremendous boost in the attitude towards achievement. Hence i now strive for both in any undertaking.
So what are you waiting for, start practicing such a skill now if you haven’t been. Try to be more confident with every challenge, and you will soon find yourself seeking challenges. Remember, “The strongest of warriors are Time and Patience,” – Leo Tolstoy
No related posts.
